The Franco-German Eiffel Tower Euro Space escape rocket.
My covert satellite images show how seriously the dastardly French, our snivelling pretend allies, and the true historical enemies of the British Empire, take the ancient Mayan prophecies of a doom laden 2012.
The entire French establishment, along with, we suspect, their German allies, are currently circling the earth in the hastily converted Eiffel Tower Euro Space escape rocket, where they hope to sit out the predicted imminent disaster awaiting the rest of us.
Fear ye not, friends, because, fortunately for the good people of Planet Earth, Britain, once again, proudly rises to the rescue.
On the very stroke of midnight, New year's eve, under the cover of thousands of celebratory fireworks, the woefully underfunded British Space Corps secretly launched it's hi-tec bakelite rocketship, HMS "Red Ensign", piloted by my close pal, the enigmatic Commander Dan Dare.
HMS Red Ensign
Commander Dan Dare, pilot of the future.
Commander Dare heroically tracked, and diverted off course, a gigantic metallic meteorite that would have otherwise done to us what it's ancient relative did to the poor dinosaurs.
Whilst we all breathe our collective sighs of relief, please spare a tiny, passing thought for the rather selfish French and German establishments, as they cosy up together in their cabins amid the rusty ironwork of their Eiffel Tower Spaceship.
Dan's deflected metallic meteorite is obviously magnetic and therefore will be attracted to any passing ore, or even an iron structure, in it's way.
And, dash it, wouldn't you know, our comms seem to be down at the mo'...